「Stand straight!! 」This is what my mum has told me over the years.
The excuse I had for not standing straight was that I was way too tall in my country, Taiwan. I felt like I had to hunch over to talk to people. Most times, I also had to hunch over to wash the dishes and work on the benches, which are designed for the average height in Taiwan.
I meant to feel so proud of my height. Instead, I thought that I was weird and too different from everyone.
I seriously didn’t care and couldn’t break the habit, no matter how worried my mum was, or how many friends gave me kind reminders. Until one of my friends, I care about and look up to reminds me three times. Someone who is highly self-regulated. I realise how important it is.
His honesty and worries hit me hard. I also felt intense shame afterwards. I wasn’t aware of this for so many years and didn’t even try to change.
I have felt shame since the day I met my friend every day I think about it.
I don’t understand why so many people told me the same thing; I just didn’t want to make the effort. I think we all need to have someone important tell us so we can take the words seriously. We call this intrusive motivation.
But… I don’t want the shame to go away. I want it to stay, because it motivates me to do the difficult thing, or I don’t particularly want to do it for years.
Now, I carry the shame every single day; it helps me improve so much that I don’t think I can return to where I was before.
So let the shame and guilt stay.
#ccwithin #motivation #breakbadhabit #badhabit #hunchover #shame #guilty
