My lovely friend Mary shares her marriage story below. I hope it will inspire you.
If you also wish to share your story, please feel free to contact me, your story can influence and change people's lives.
Mary's Story
My story is of abuse in the form of both physical and psychological from the young age of 17 which I finally ended at age of 49 in 2013 when I found my true self again, and peace and happiness.
I grew up in a happy family with 3 siblings mum and dad. I was the second eldest. Eldest being a brother and have a younger sister and brother.
I was very close to my dad we were like 2 peas in a pod and life was great until he became terminally ill at the age of 48 with Cancer. My whole world was shattered. Mum was not coping at all after he passed away 8 months later. My eldest brother left home to fulfil his career in the Police force. It was at that moment that I felt it was up to me to help mum provide for my younger brother and sister who were just 4 and 8 years old.
So, from being a bright pupil at school with so many dreams I dropped out of final year at high school and began working to help the family. Back then in 1980s there was no counselling in schools and my mum did not recognise that I was struggling as she was emersed in raising the younger 2 children – so I felt very alone and had no one to turn to.
It was in 1980/1981 that I met my first husband and the man that was supposed to take care of me. He was very charming and spoilt me at first and I loved the attention and the thought that someone cared for me. But looking back as a mature adult now I can see that it was all a play on entrapment and the beginnings of total control over me and my life.
I was very pretty, and well-liked by anyone I met or worked with, but everyone thought there was something strange and not quite right about my boyfriend when they met him and when I would question him at all he would turn it around every time. He then began to control where I’d go, who I see, force me to have sex with him and made me feel worthless if I tried to break away and tell me no one would want me or believe me.
So, eventually we ended up marrying in 1986 and it was quite lovely but 2 weeks prior to the wedding on New Year’s Day he belted me badly that my arms and torso were black and blue. Clever wasn’t he not to punch me where everybody could see the bruises and I was so ashamed that I hid what had happened to me and went ahead with the wedding as I felt so ashamed and embarrassed to call it off.
Life went on and the daily put-downs would occur, and he would spend money which we didn’t have, and I had to make do all the time or go without. He had his own business which I supported him with, and I also worked full-time to try make ends meet. My true joy arrived in 1989 with the birth of my daughter.
Did the abuse stop you ask? No, it continued, on and on even with my baby in arms. This so called “life”, went on forever. There was a time that I recall being punched in the face and blood was everywhere and visitors came and saw me bending over the bath bleeding. I was so embarrassed and I’m sure they knew what was happening as he had also thrown a pot plant at me, and it smashed onto the kitchen floor and left me to clean it up as he always did.
It was at about this time too when my daughter was aged 2 that I approached my eldest brother and told him what was going on and that I needed help that he said to me “I see it every day and don’t want to be involved”. This left me deflated and feeling defeated and so my life continued, on again as before.
I had another 2 children, 2 boys whom I adored, as my kids were my life. I kept working, 1, 2 or even 3 jobs and did everything around the house, and everything I possibly do for my children and make happy memories with them where I could. The children experienced abuse too to some point and that was heartbreaking but I tried my best to keep my children safe,always. The physical abuse ceased as of course now there were little witnesses, but the mental and financial abuse continued throughout the marriage.
There is so much more to this story of my life, many ups and so more many downs, money and no money, threat of losing our home not once but twice, loss of 3 babies due to beatings and threats, just so much but I kept going for the kids.
In 2010 I discovered that my husband’s business was in bad shape, and we faced losing our home too. I had no idea at all as I trusted my husband to tell me but looking back the signs were there, and I believed his explanations each time a debt collector came to the door or process server. They say love is blind! I had stopped working in the business for 5-6 years as I could take the “not good enough” yelling anymore so I did not see what was really going on, but I was working full-time and studying to try better myself which he did not like one bit.
Crunch time came, when I discovered our true financial position, I contacted the bank etc. and pleaded for the sake of my children not to take our home. I will never forget the Bank Manager in Collins Street Melbourne and her words were “Mary I do this for you and your children as I believe your story that you had no idea what was going on”. With this additional time that she gave us we were able to refinance (at a high rate of course) with a private person but this too failed in less than a year as my husband failed to make the mortgage payment/s on time.
That was the end for me. When I discovered this, I was totally broken and shattered that we were losing our home, the roof over our heads for my children.
So, you see, my life was full of lies and deceit, fears, and sadness. Happiness came through my children and my true friends which were only a handful after all this happened. My family and my mum helped me by giving me food and shelter and the time away from my husband to see clearly what I must do. Once free from him I felt alive, peace and happiness. I began to smile again, and this would radiate everywhere I went. Doors and opportunities began to open for me, and my life became mine again.
My daughter was happily married and safe and loved, my sons chose to stay with my husband in the matrimonial home until it was taken away as it had to be sold to repay debts. Of course, the writing was on the wall that the 2 boys aged 19 and 17 were turned against me, but I remained true to myself, and they came back into my life about 4 years later.
I was blessed to have reconnected with an old friend from 33 years ago and he listened, cried with me, he did not judge me and saved me from possibly ending my own life. I found peace and happiness and true devoted love and feel safe and protected from all evil. We have been together now for 9 years and married 8 years and now live in the King Valley where together we call home and our sanctuary.